My Story

Hey all,

I know its been absolutely forever since I wrote a blog post. Like, before I left for Madrid last summer. But things have been crazy.

Anyway, last week at CRU I got to share my Jesus-story. I shared a very edited version of this document. For those of you who didn't attend or those of you who want the deeper story, here it is. Hope Jesus shows you something awesome through this.

Lorena

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I’m Loren Weaver. I’m a fourth year Civil Engineering major, and no, I’m not graduating in May. I’m going to tell you my story, and it’s pretty personal in nature. So I feel that we should get to know each other better.

I’m twenty years old and I have a sixteen year old sister and a six year old puppy. I lived in five states before I was 10 years old, but Georgia will always be “where I’m from.” I’m a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and a Master SCUBA diver. I love to read and have almost finished writing my second novel. I can’t whistle and can only wink with one eye. I never set my alarm for a round number, instead I set it for 8:03 or something like that. When I eat pizza, I don’t pick it up and bite it or cut it with a fork. Instead, I rip it with my fingers eat the pieces, which always leaves my fingers messy. When I was in high school, I was addicted to pornography.

My story isn’t all bright and happy-go-lucky. But it sure is chalk full of grace. That’s what I’m here to tell you about. Okay, so let’s just start off by jumping into the knitty-gritty details.

I was 14 the day my life changed forever. I can still remember it clearly. The day I became addicted to my own pet sin and my personal failure: pornography.

Over the course of the next two years, I was off and on the internet. I wouldn’t say I was high-needs because it happened maybe only once every few months. Yet, it was a problem, a sin, and it corrupted me.

I can still remember the day I went into my parent’s bedroom at about one or two in the morning, just bawling my eyes out. Crying so hard that I could not speak, even though my heart yearned for confession. I told them everything that night. I wasn’t yet 16 years old, but I couldn’t sleep at night because I knew that it was wrong. It was eating me, and I could not stand it anymore.

My parents did a lot for me. They password protected the computers and kept a close eye on me. For weeks, the internet was the bane of my existence and I hated it. For over a year, I  stayed away from the worst parts of my addiction.

But the most horrible thing about addiction? It never goes completely away. I was seventeen when it defeated me again.  This time, like with any addiction, was worse. I won’t go into the depths of my sin, because that is not the point of my confession.

For the next few years, I fought alone. I was too scared to tell my parents that it was happening again. Too stubborn, too prideful. I would get so angry with myself that I would find the strength to triumph for a while. Months would pass. Yet, the sin always cycled back around because it was too big for me alone.

Fall of my junior year of college, I realized what it was that I’d done wrong. I realized that I had been trying all these years to defeat this sin on my own power.  That when I’d “confess” to Jesus, that I really wasn’t heartfelt or always even sorry. That I thought that somehow, I’d grow strong enough on my own. That if I kept fighting, I was sure to win. It wasn’t true. 

Early last fall, I gave up everything that I was to God. I was on a abstinence streak that summer and reconnecting with Jesus in the fall at cru helped me discover my mistake. When things got bad, I had a base to turn back to. I could give this problem to the only One who conquers all.

That brings us pretty much to when things starting changing drastically for me. I’ve told you the horrible parts of my story, but now let me show you the amazing change that happened because of my amazing Jesus.

Last April, I can still remember, in vivid detail, spilling the basics of my story to someone outside my family. A friend of mine and I both had tests the next day and we’d been studying together that evening. Eventually, somehow, studying turned to talking and how my Jesus put us on this conversation track I don’t know. But I remember staring at a distant wall as I shared. And I remember the complete non-threatening environment. It was hard to share, and I was deathly scared that this knowledge would destroy our friendship. That has happened to me before. My confession didn’t kill our friendship, it strengthened it. That friend is one of the most important people in my life to this day. I began to see the healing power of my Jesus.

James 5:16, “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”

This summer, I studied abroad in Mexico City and Madrid. I was gone for about 10 weeks total. Away from friends, family, support. All the issues I’d dragged up in my confession at the end of the semester came rushing back and I struggled. Violently, I struggled. It seemed like every moment of silence was an attack on my thoughts. 

Over this summer and into the fall, I learned an important lesson. CONFESSION UNTO HEALING, like I mentioned from James. But also, I learned that sin isn’t always passive. There were times I’d thinking about what I’d seen, remember I shouldn’t, decide I didn’t care, and fall into the trap of sin. I’d come back later, horribly sorry yet guilty. I couldn’t be truly sorry for something I’d done on purpose, could I?

Yes. I could.

Romans 7:15-20, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”

Sin isn’t always passive. Sin is an act of disobedience. And you know what? There is still confession unto healing!!

Let me tell you how powerfully this works! This summer, I heard the voice of Jesus. I heard Him. No, it wasn’t a booming voice from the sky. But I’m sure it was Him. I’ve gotten to hear His voice several times since then. I’m convinced it’s because there isn’t this looming sin between us.

So, I guess the reason I’m here telling you all this is two-fold. One, confession unto healing. When my sin is no longer in the dark, there can’t be any torment from the secret of it. Second, I want you to experience the same healing. I’m asking you to find someone to talk to if you have something you’re harboring. Maybe yours isn’t as “major” as mine. Maybe it even sounds dumb to you. It’s not. If it’s keeping you from Jesus, it’s not dumb or insignificant. You need confession. You need healing.

I promise you it only gets better. Now, if your pet sin is something humiliating, I understand. I’ve had a friend walk away from me, as in never speak to me again, after she knew. If that’s happened to you, I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart, because that person missed out on the blessing that was you. Please don’t let that come between you and talking to someone else. If you don’t have someone you trust that much, come talk to me. You know that I’ll understand because its happened to me. If you don’t want to talk to me, but you don’t know anyone. I can gladly point you to several people that would talk to you, either students or staff. But please, don’t go home and fight alone.