The Prayer I Couldn't Pray

This may be silly, but I've been going through some crazy stuff. Most of it is stupid stuff, but that's referenced in the following story. I feel like I climbed a mountain in my faith in one afternoon. Let's begin...

I’m reading in Jeremiah. He’s taught me so much about talking to Jesus. Jeremiah hated his calling from Jesus. He hated the isolation, the negativity from others, the people trying to kill him. And, he told God that! That was okay. He didn’t complain to others, but he took it straight to Jesus. Yet, when it came right down to the wire, Jeremiah obeyed. Even when he didn’t want to or didn’t understand, he did what God called him to do. I’m learning how to spill my fears and rage to a God who listens, but yet to follow unconditionally.

After reading, I spent quite a bit of time talking to my Father. I started out pouring out my feelings to him and begun to see how so many of my feelings of isolation and helplessness are unfounded. He’s worked miracles in my life here and prepared a way for me, if only I have enough faith to walk it. I mean, Benja offered to go over the lectures with me so I could understand. This isn’t helplessness! I’m making friends, getting to know people better here. I have people at home keeping track of me. This isn’t isolation! So many of my deepest pains are so unjustified. They’re just tools of the Devil to separate me from a God that loves me more than I can imagine.

Then, I got to talking to Him about other stuff. Really, I had no idea how to pray. I didn’t know what to ask, how to give over my heart to my Jesus. But, as so often happens, it just poured from my lips and my fingers and flew straight to the ears of my Father. (I like to write my prayers, which is where the reference to fingers comes in). Heartfelt desires became ideas became words became desperate prayers. I cannot even describe the beauty of experiencing what Paul is experiencing in Romans 8:26 when he talks of the Holy Spirit making intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. I’m sure they were not my words that poured from my lips when I spoke with my Jesus. 

Romans 8:26, “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

And, of course, our Father used this time to teach me. I can't go into all the things I was talking to my Jesus about. But so you can understand the amazing lesson I learned, I can tell you that I was looking at suffering.

I realized about half way through that I could not ask our Father to take away suffering. To do that would be to lessen the amazing plan He has in store for His children. It would limit growth, and that’s not what I really want for any of my brothers or sisters or myself. I could not ask our Father for happiness or personal strength. Those really aren’t a part of the life of a true Christ-following child of God. 

I had to ask our Father for faith. I had to ask Him to give peace and joy. I had to ask Him to be strong in place of us and to be everything through the suffering we experience. Only through pain, by walking through the fire, can we become all that our Father knows we can be. He has such high hopes, such big plans.

How reassuring this was for me. For as I cannot justify asking our Father to take away  suffering and as I’m seeing how necessary that is, I came to be able to accept that this was true in my own heart. I came to be able to embrace completely the horribleness of the situation I am facing and realize that it’s not really as bad as I thought and that I’m going to become a more Christ-like Daughter of the King! How amazing a thought that is!

I can’t give words to the amazing peace that our Father gave to me through this realization. I can’t give voice to the joy dancing in my heart as I worship with all that I am. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not worried. I’m not happy, writing this is bringing the tears back to my eyes. But I’m content; and in the end, that is so much more fulfilling.

Psalm 30:12, "To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever."

I’m still praying with all my heart. No, I’m not praying for happiness. But I’m pleading with our Father for something greater, something He wants for you and for me: peace, joy, contentment. I’m asking, with no doubts at all, for His name to be made more glorious in our lives. I know He will be with us always and that we can have the courage to be weak enough to let Him be everything.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10, “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I can't even express to you the profound impact this has had on me today. I can't describe the complete peace that I feel now. I know that this comes only from my Father.

Philippians 4:11-13, "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." 

So I ask you this. Pray with me. But do not ask our Father for less suffering. Instead, embrace the suffering and allow our Father to do something great in you! Allow our Father free reign in your heart and in your life so that He can be your strength, your refuge, your strong tower. 

Psalm 62: 5-7, "My soul, wait silently for God alone,
         For my expectation is from Him.
 He only is my rock and my salvation;
         He is my defense;
         I shall not be moved.
 In God is my salvation and my glory;
         The rock of my strength,
         And my refuge, is in God."

Now, my dearest brothers and sister, I must go study. But I just wanted to share with you from a heart that was overflowing with love for my Abba Father.