My Heart Cries Out

I'm at a total loss here. Dear Jesus, only You sustain.
My Mexico LBAT program is under consideration for cancellation. There's political and gang unrest in Mexico right now and things have gotten worse in the last month, I think. I'm trying to figure out exactly what is happening, but it's not good. GT's Office of International Education is looking into the situation and deciding whether or not to cancel the program.
If they do, my whole summer and school changes. I don't really know what will happen. I guess I go home and get a job and wait for Madrid to roll around. Then I add a semester in Spring 2013 and graduated in May of 2013... *sigh*

But my Jesucristo is still in control. I know He has a better plan. I don't understand. I don't know what it is. I don't know what He's trying to teach me. But I know that He is greater still.
And believing that is harder than I feel like it should be. I've watched my God work in amazing and awesome ways over the past year. I've seen Him change lives, including mine. I know that relying on His strength is all that will sustain me. My head believes it.

And yet my heart cries out for solace. My heart weeps for the joy I knew before. I believe its possible. I want it. I've had the joy, the peace, the contentment. But my dearest Lord Jesus, I can't find it now. Don't let me give up on You. Not now. Now, I need You. I need Your strength and solace. I need the belief that You are greater and better and powerful and faithful and loving and good.
My heart cries out for hope. A hope that His plan is good. Hard, yes, I think I'm ready for that. But good, Oh, my Dear Father, please. I don't even know what to ask of you in this moment. I know only that my heart cries out for You. My heart hurts and only You can heal it.
So Lord, here is my heart. Take and seal it. Seal it for Your kingdom and Your good works. Thank you so much! I truly believe that You are greater. I believe that You are better. I believe that You are almighty and faithful and loving.
I believe. In my heart, I believe.

One Week

Yes, dearest friends and beloved family, only one week until I'm in Mexico!

To be honest, I'm super excited and completely freaked.
I'm thrilled when I think of all the new things I'll see and do. The thing I'll learn, both about the Mexican culture and the Spanish language. Getting to know my Mexican family is exciting because I know that I'll be completely immersed in the language and culture I love. I'll get to try new foods, learn a different history, and salsa dance. We'll climb Aztec ruins and tour war memorials. We'll visit Mexican businesses and markets. We'll walk through the same neighborhoods every day and meet all our neighbors, small town style.
But, I'll also be immersed completely in Spanish from the moment I step off that plane. My Spanish is okay, but super rusty and not as good as everyone likes to think, especially when they hear I've been studying since I was 7. Really, it's all in there. Or a lot of it is. It just doesn't come out my mouth very well. And that scares me somewhat.
Of course, I'll be traveling internationally by myself for the first time ever. Not that that freaks me out much, because I've flown so often that I can almost quote the flight attendant's speech... but it will be the first time all by my lonesome. Weird.
And its six weeks. Six weeks is a long time. Especially for a homebody like me who's never gone more than two weeks without seeing her family. Really, that worries me. I know I'll be fine and I'll be able to Skype and all that. But its another thing to add to the list of "That Kinda Freaks Me Out" about Mexico.

Then there's the packing. I don't get done with finals until Thursday. I pack on Friday. I leave for Mexico on Saturday. AHHH!! Seems like not enough time. I won't even get to recuperate from finals and I'm already leaving for a foreign country. I'll finish school and three days later start school again. There's just no time!

Okay, so I'm a little freaked. I think you get the point. But I'm super excited too! Don't doubt that. Just, I can talk about the excitement. I can bounce up and down in public. But sharing how scared I am? Not cool. So I don't. I know, I know. That's not how it should be. But it is. So there.

Alright. Enough freaking.
I finished my ethics paper!! Momma has it now for proofing, then I turn it in on Wednesday and I'm done! Yay!!
I have a Structural Analysis final on Tuesday.
A Materials of CE test on Wednesday.
An Ethics test on Wednesday.
A Statistics test on Thursday.
Sounds crazy? I think so too.

Now.... more studying... ugh.

The Boyfriend

Yep, I really just did say that. It's so exciting, and at the same time a little strange cuz its so very new.

Actually, its hard for me to know where to go from here. For those of you who don't go to school with me and are completely shocked. A little background might be the place to start, I guess.

So. His name is Jim Shealy. He's a 2nd year mechanical engineering major at GT. We met last semester over Fall Getaway when our campus ministry group went to a retreat in the TN mountains. We kinda became friends over the rest of the semester.
This semester has been a total God thing. We, as well as Kelsey, Devi, Airth, and Nathan, have all become a close-knit group. We study together, do activities together, text/facebook all the time. It grew out of our times of prayer together, mostly. Keeping God at the center has really bonded our group so tightly! It's really awesome.
Well, this led to that and the other... and we got to be really good friends. We had several really fun conversations and some deep ones. He's challenged me to see God in a new way, and to allow that to change my view of me in accordance with God's views of me. He's challenged my prayer life and my personal walk with Christ. He's also challenged my engineering mind, because keeping up with his is quite the adventure sometimes. We play off each other well, and that led to a lot of laughter. He seems to be able to alternatively make me think a lot and a laugh a lot.
Everything came to a collision about three weeks ago when our conversations changed in tone. He's awed me with his desire to be completely honest with me. We had several conversations exploring our relationship and what it could turn into. And, true to form, he always came back to asking Jesus. So, with much prayer, we evaluated and really tried to just give it up to God. Which, by they way, is one of his favorite phrases. Just give it up to God.
Last week (April 19th) we had "that conversation". Yes, I know you're wondering why its taken me so long to "introduce" him to you if it happened a week ago. Well, we wanted to move a little slowly and tell a few people in person first. It's not cool to find out two of your really good friends are dating via facebook. Plus, he came home and met my parents last Saturday (yes, they approved) and I got to go to his house on Monday night and meet his family (again, they approved).
So, now that we've smoothed the waters a little bit. We're telling everyone. It's "Facebook official".

For those of you who don't go to GT:
I wanted you to know. And I wanted to let you see how I see him. One of the questions my Momma asked me when I was telling her was: "What makes him so special?" Well, there's a lot of reasons. But I hope you can see some of what I see in him. I know, meeting him in person would be better. And I hope you get that chance. But at least now you can feel like you know him a little bit.

Most of all, I hope you will pray for us. I really feel that God has led me here, and I'm so glad He did! But we're in dead week now, then next week is the stress of finals. After that, I'll pretty much be gone all summer. He'll be spending six weeks in Tokyo, Japan. So, it will be an interesting summer to say the least. But God is always in control, and He doesn't give us more than we can bear. He won't put us in any situation that doesn't work out for His glory, and I know this will too.

So, I think its time for me to go to bed. I'm glad I got to share this, and him, with you :). Goodnight!

Very, very excited,
Loren

Helpful Hints :)

Okay, all, here's some helpful hints for over the summer.
First, SKYPE IS AWESOME. Just sayin' :).

Second. My calendar for the summer can be found here: https://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=loren.weaver%40yahoo.com&ctz=America/New_York
Yeah, its a nasty link. Just save it and don't memorize it. I'll try to update it as I know more specifics. That's just the basics of what I have now. You can click on any of the scheduled things to get more information about that event.

Third. I'm going to be writing here. So check! Or, if you want, email me and I'll add you to the auto email box so my posts go directly to your inbox and you don't have to check the link. You can also add it on Facebook, and it will come up in your news feed.

Fourth.  Check out this picture. It will help you identify all the names I use :).
Back row: Nathan, Andrew, Airth
Front row: Kelsey, Me, Jim, Devi










That is all for now :).

The Perfect Man

His name was Jesus. Yep, that’s the only ‘perfect man’ I’ll ever know.

But a girl dreams. Disney movies and romantic chick flicks set high standards for girls these days. The ‘perfect man’ is something that’s come to be expected. Disney princesses fall in love in the time it takes to sing a true love song. There’s never time invested, never personality evaluated, never friendship formed; yet, it all works out. I think this has taught our generation to have too high of standards for our first meeting with our ‘perfect man’ then to get upset when he can’t be as devilishly winsome as Prince Charming.

The wedding has men, marriage, and that whole problem on my mind. I can’t escape the thoughts of it. Even watching my friends that are engaged or dating always makes me think. The whole long-term relationship thing isn’t something I’ve had. I’ve never been the one to flit from guy to guy, no going boy-crazy for me. I’ve never given my heart, wholly and completely, to anyone. I’ve never even really had a relationship with a potential future.

Partly, I’ve got some … abnormal views on dating and marriage. Mostly abnormal for my generation, not necessarily abnormal from what used to be widely accepted. Partly, I’ve never found a guy that met my unusually high standards. I’ve got an amazing father that has taught me the way a woman should be treated, and I’ve come to expect that from my man.

I guess my Prince Charming would look something like this:

Firstly, and most utterly importantly non-negotiable: my man must love the Lord our God with all his heart, mind, and strength. There’s a quote by somebody famous that says something along the lines of: “a woman’s heart should be so enfolded by God that a man must seek Him in order to find her.” I like it. I hope it’s true about me. But I also want it to be true about my man. This passion for the Lord includes things like truly desiring to follow His path for our lives, living for His glory, spreading His fame, growing in knowledge and wisdom through His word, loving like only He loved, etc.

This broad requirement encompasses all the “Christian” aspects. His prayer life. His knowledge of the Bible. His worship. His evangelism.

No, he won’t be perfect. But he will be striving towards it with faith that the Author and Finisher of our faith is at work in his life. He’ll be worthy to be the spiritual leader in our house because he’ll be striving always for a closer walk with Christ.

The rest of these aren’t in any particular order:

One. A man that is following God wholeheartedly will do this naturally because of the ‘fellowship together’ verse, but he needs to have good, strong guy-friends. I’ve seen the different a strong male support group can be to a guy. Yes, guys need guys as much as girls need girls. The relationship isn’t the same, but the idea behind it is. A man needs other men to keep him strong, accountable, and de-stressed. A man needs other men to sharpen him and to make him a better man.

Two. A man that is comfortable with himself around others. There is nothing so awkward as a guy that can’t deal with a multi-person situation. Those guys, you befriend and take pity on (in a kind and loving way). You don’t date them. A man that is comfortable with himself will not be different around different people. I mean, he may be more polite to your grandmother than to his best friend, but he won’t take on a different personality. He needs to be able to deal with his friends, mine, family, me, whatever is happening at the moment, and not always ubber focus on one person. Balance.

Three. A Family Man. Like the song, to my man family should be important. Not just the future family we could have some day, but our current ones. My Daddy, Momma, and sister mean the world to me. They’re a vital part of me. How can he say he loves me if he can’t love such a huge part of me? And I’ve heard it said that you can tell how a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother and sister. Hey, Christ calls us family. It’s important. Of course, him having the same future familial desires as I do would also be good. I want children and for our home to be a safe haven for them.

Four. A sharp mind. No, he doesn’t have to have genius IQ, but he has to have enough of a brain to question that which makes no sense and to be able to converse with me. One of the many things I’ve loved about Tech is getting to know people who talk on the same level about the same things that I do. I’m going to be talking to this man for the rest of our lives, might as well make it somewhat interesting! Plus, I love mental stimulation. I can’t see myself going for the rest of my life without it.

Five. Respectful. I’m my Father’s Princess, since I’m the daughter of a King. I’m a child of the Father in my own right. I have a personality, dreams, quirks, and faults. My man needs to understand that, and love me because of and despite my many idiosyncrasies. I’m not perfect, and neither will he be. But I’m not a thing to be used, I’m a girl to be loved. I’ll need different things at different times, and that’s to be expected.

Six. Honest, open communication. I’ve seen it work wonders in my relationships with my friends and in the life of my parents. I’ll need to be able to talk to my man about anything all the time. When we ‘become one flesh’ as the Bible puts it, there really shouldn’t be any secrets at all. So why not start our relationship on a small-scale model of that? Yes, there will be some things that are left out of the conversation between boyfriend-girlfriend. But I can’t think of anything that’s important that should be left out. For the rest of my life, my man will be the most important person in my entire world.

Those things are vital. Here are some more that I’d love, but I might be willing to compromise if God told me it was okay:

One. A left brained personality. I think I’d strangle a right-brained someone within a year. Jus’ sayin’.

Two. Athletic enough to enjoy days in the parks, bike rides with the kids, boating with my family. Motion is important to me, and actions speak louder than words of any kind. I’m athletic and many of the things I enjoy are too.

Three. He doesn’t have to be teen-chick-flick romantic (gag!), but sweet would be nice. For the most part, I’m a strong and independent woman. But sometimes, it’s nice to be reminded that I’m also the lady that he adores.

I know that many of these “requirements” are broad. I also have seen so many of my amazing Christian brothers that fit them, which is good because its partially my brothers that have helped me to solidify them. Growing closer to my brothers has given me hope that there are guys out there worthy of the title ‘husband’ someday. They have set standards for Christian growth, Christ-like love, and respect for the girls in their lives. I’m so thankful to have them and to watch them meet so many of my requirements. Because I know that so many of them will go on to be some other girl’s Prince Charming, and maybe I will have been a part of setting their standards just a little bit higher.

Well, I’m done for now. Those are all I can think of. There are other things that I like or dislike in guys, other strange views on dating, other words to better describe even what I did say. But those are all for other posts, other conversations, other days.

So, to my brothers: Keep the faith. Be strong and courageous. Because, yes, we ladies do notice and adore you for it. We look to the fortress of your strength when everything else seems to be going wrong, and we are always so relieved to find protection there.

And to my sisters: Keep the faith. Be steadfast and loving. Because, yes, there are men out there who are worth waiting for. Protect your heart until you can find that one, perfect man who will treat it like the precious gem it is and safeguard it always.

I love you all,

Loren

Bittersweet Memories & Wedding Bliss

Mrs. Laura Bazemore.
Quite catchy. Yep, it's official. She's hitched.

This was one of the most bittersweet days of my life. Much  more sweet than bitter.
I met Laura when I was 10 years old, and we were twins from the the beginning. That AWANA circle all those many years ago really changed my life. And I'm very glad that our God was so good to me. Being friends with Laura has helped to make me who I am today. I wouldn't be the same me without her.
But by the time I met Laura, there was already Sam. I have to admit, I didn't always like Sam. But I learned to love him slowly, and I couldn't ever see her with anyone else. Sam is the perfect foil for Laura, and they make each other whole.

Really, it's quite awe-inspiring.
there are several moments from today that I'll never forget, ever.
*The look on Sam's face when he saw Laura come around the corner for the first time in her beautiful dress and veil with her Dad. If ever anyone doubted that he loved her (which I don't know how they could have), it was gone in that one moment.
*The moment the pastor asked who gave the bride to be married and her Dad, who I love almost as much as my own Daddy, turned to look at her and said: "Her sister, her grandparents, her mother, and I."
*The sound of her voice as she repeated her vows to him: "...until death do us part..."
*The moment they turned to look at the audiance... "I'm proud to present, for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Sam Jared Bazemore."
*Watching their first dance as husband and wife. The way they watched each other and the rest of the world almost stopped existing for just that one moment.


Those are the sweet, sweet memories of Laura & Sam, but there are the fun ones too.
*Carrying Laura's dress around all morning so no one would step on it and it would stay perfectly white.
*Sitting in front of Fallon. "Open your eyes. Close. Open..." as she did my makeup. My hair was even curly when it was all over, and for the rest of the day. She's a true genius.
*Dancing with Chloe, who is probably 4 or 5 years old, and a cousin of Laura's. She was so adorable and had more rhythm than some of the guys at GT. I also danced with Landon, Cole, Corban, Gabi, Kati, Lexi... some in huge circles. None of them over 7 years old. I love children. I love their joy and free expression.
*Walking down that aisle with my flowers and pretty dress. Beaming, because it was a happy day.
*Tromping all over the yard of the house for pictures. Both where I was in them, and where I was only needed to hold her flowers when they weren't in the pictures. Even in heels with a long skirt in wet grass.

My memories of Laura and Sam go way back. I don't remember much of me before her. She's been my best friend since I was 10 years old. There was even a time in my life where she was my only friend, and she was always there. Some of my many memories of Laura and Sam:
*They broke up for about 2 months senior year in high school. I still remember the moment she walked in and told me. She always wore a necklace he'd given her. That day, she walked into our lake house, knelt in front of where I was sitting on the floor, pointed to her neck and asks: "What's missing?" It was the necklace. I remember the look on her face. She spent the night with me and I remember the tears and the questions: "Why? What now?"
*I remember the moment she called me to tell me they were engaged. I remember the moment it hit me, fully, just what that meant. I was at a volleyball game, keeping score for the JV team. She called, and I answered, but I wasn't really listening. I remember calling "YES!" at a pause in the conversation because my team just scored. Then I remember: "Wait? What did you say? You're engaged?!"
*I remember the very first time we met, at the AWANA Olympics. We talked all day because we really didn't have anyone else, we were the two shortest girls on our team and so were at the end of the line. It was either each other, or Hebron boys. We didn't like Hebron boys. At all.
*I remember in middle school, when I finally decided I actually liked Sam. We were at camp, and we were all tired of walking in circles cuz it was about all we could do both boys and girls together. So Sam decided we should walk in triangles, and we did. It was so much fun just because it was weird. He fit with us so well and so easily. He even sung embarrassing songs at the top of his lungs in the middle of the most crowded area of camp that year to get his mail ... and mine.
*I remember learning to water ski, and she was right there. Learning to wake board. State martial arts championships. Getting my black belt. Learning to drive. Having surgery. The day I broke up with my boyfriend. Senior prom. Drama performances. Graduating high school. She was there for every major event in my life.

Who would I be if I'd never met Laura? I don't know. I don't really want to think about it. I am so very happy for Laura and Sam. They have changed my life and blessed me in more ways than this (kinda long, I know) post could ever say.

But the wedding has also made me think long and hard. I've seen "backstage" for a lot of it over the past months. Some crazy things have happened. It's helped me know better what I do want and don't want to do for my own wedding someday.
More than that, though, watching Laura and Sam grow up, I've learned a lot about what I do and don't like and want in a man of my own. Sam has helped to set the bar high for whatever guy I marry someday. My Daddy, Mr. Rick, Alex, Sam... these men have all shaped and raised my standards.
Watching over the past months, I've really started to consciously identify good and bad qualities in men. My eyes are opened wider and my mind a little more alert for the defining qualities in men. I have watched true love being planted, watered, and grown. I've seen the changes it can make in two lives and how it can spread beyond even that. My dating life will never be the same.

I'm about done. I'm still crying, but I'm okay with that. I can't look back down memory lane through the years and not cry. Especially after a day like today when I can really appreciate what she means to me and how much she really loves him. She's so happy, and that makes me happy for her.

God Bless, always and forever.
~Loren

Stress Limit Reached

Hey everyone. It's Tuesday, and I'm beat. I'm exhausted already and have no motivation to study... That's kinda why I'm writing here, even though I don't really have anything to say.

I had an okay day. Slept in some because I was exhausted and had a headache. I had class. We turned in our Statistics project, which was a great relief. Yesterday, I was flying so high because that project was done! You can ask Kelsey, I was almost giddy.
Yet today, I'm down in the emotional dumps again. I don't know why this happens to me. Why I can be soaring so high one moment and crash so hard the next. It seems that I don't do mediocre, I don't do peaceful contentment very well. I do high-flyin', rip-roaring, no-holds-bared excitement. Or I do down-in-the-ditch, I'm-just-ready-to-give-up, is-anyone-listening depression.

What is wrong with me?

Well, Devi and Kelsey are going to the gym. I'm gonna go with them cuz I'm not getting anything done here. Might as well be productive in something. They'll make me feel better, I know it.
I'm just worried about after. When I have to crash again, because I know it will happen.
Why am I borrowing trouble? I shouldn't.

Goodbye, since this isn't really going well anyway.
Loren