Reasonable Doubt Leaves Heartfelt Chaos

Yes, it sounds like a newspaper title, if exaggerated. But exaggerated is precicely the mood I'm in right now, sadly. I've been thinking a lot lately, and can't seem to figure myself out.

Maybe its an emotional breakdown due to the huge stress relief of fall break. I tend to get those. Stress is over and now I can unbend, unclench, and just let go. Then everything comes pouring out of me in waves. The week after Finals Week, I'm practically useless because of it.

But anyway, the whole reason for this post is an emotional dump to see if I can temporarily get this off my chest so I can focus on my differential equations homework that's due tomorrow, along with my test. So some serious studying is in order this afternoon/evening.

So lately, I've been working through summer plans. Having never applied for a job before, I don't think I realized what an arduous process it was. My first job was a true gift from God and kind of fell screaming into my lap with a huge sign saying "THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!" I thank God for it every time I think of how that whole thing started.

Although I loved my first job and honestly believe it was where I needed to be at the time, I'm left with a complete void of knowedge about the job search environment. Plus, I'm now looking for an internship, not just a summer job. Yes, there is a difference. When looking for a summer job, there's a sense of desperation. An "I just need a job, pretty please!" quality that an internship can't have. Internships are professional, career-driven opportunities that can teach you quality life lessons about what you'll potentially be doing for the rest of your life.

In other words, there's a lot more stress with an internship. Or so I have come to believe. If you've had a non-stress-filled internship-finding experience, I'd love to hear it. Hope springs eternal, or so I've heard.

What's more, I'm finding that civil engineering internships are insanely difficult to find. Maybe its across the board on internships; but since I haven't looked for any other kind, I wouldn't know. I do know that I found a total of like ... 5. And half of those really preferred to hire in the spring. I can't be halfway across the country this spring, even if I wanted to be and worked my schooling out to let me.

Of course, all this has left me with a reasonable doubt. I ask myself, did I chose the right major? Am I doing what God wants? Is this His way of telling me that I'm doing this all wrong? Did I misinterpret God's plan for my life? Did I miss a major part of His plan?

Or is He testing my determination to follow His calling? Does He just want to know how far I'm willing to go in His name? Is this an opportunity for me to show the world who He really is? Is this a way of growing my trust that He can do anything?

I know that if I'm right about His plan for me, He'll make it all happen just the way He wants. I know that my plans aren't always His plans. I know that sometimes, miracles happen at the last moment and only if we really believe that He's faithful. I know that.

But oh, how I doubt. Not doubt God, not really. I doubt my understanding of Him. I doubt my choices are the ones He wanted. I doubt that I'm really ready for the challenges He's given me. I doubt that I'll be the person He wantes me to be. I doubt that I can really show others just how amazing He really is.

And all the doubting leaves chaos writhing in my broken heart. When I sit down to look through the internship or other summer opportunities again, I wonder just how I'm going to weather the storm facing me. I wonder if I'm strong enough to lay everything down at the foot of the cross, watch the sparrows, and realize that I'm not in control anyway. Realize that I never actually was. And then honestly believe that it doesn't leave me helpless, but rather more powerful than ever.

Knowing with my head and honestly, deeply, and throughly believing in my heart sure are two different things. Knowing with my head is easy, if not completely logical. I can see the past, read His word, and know that He is faithful. I can see it, remember it, and even talk myself into believing it.

Until I have to stake my sense of self on that belief. Until He wants my heart rather than my head. Until I stand in the middle of all my own seemlingly reasonable doubt and realize just how chaotic its left me. I'm a mess. And then I realize what I think He's been trying to tell me all along.

There's no such thing as Reasonable Doubt.

James 1:6-8, "But let him ask in faith, with NO DOUBTING, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will recieve anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."