Okay, I know I just posted. But it's now one in the morning and I'm being supportive. Plus, I really just have itchy fingers! So, if you continue to be interested, continue reading :). I really have no idea where this blog is going to go yet, so let's find out...
Getting started is always the hardest part. Just like so many things in life, the beginning really is the biggest stumbling block. I'm finding that to be a huge deal. I don't initiate, at least in friendship. I've had to learn to initiate conversation. For all that I'm an adrenaline junkie, I don't like to take risks in my personal life.
But once the starting is done, the continuing sometimes just rolls off the tongue. The greatest risk is the first one, because after that, you tend to have a direction. You know how you'll be received and you know what the reaction will be. But that first risk...
Okay, you're probably thinking ... "Make a point already, Loren!"
But I already told you, I don't have a point to make. Just like in the Matrix, that's the nice thing about growing up. Old men like me don't make points :).
I'm just telling you what's most burdening my heart right now. Because I'm dealing with quite a bit of emotional chaos, Spiritual awakening, and physical exhaustion. What do you do when your head and your heart drag you in different directions and sometimes can't even agree with themselves?
You rely wholeheartedly on Jesucristo.
Yet, that seems so hard. I don't know where I'm going. I used to "see myself in five years" very easily. I knew where I was going and how I'd get there. I knew what I wanted. I remember as a kid, planning for six kids and even having them named. (I was weird...)
Now, I feel like God is turning everything upside down. I don't have a plan, and it's killing me! I'm major type-A personality. I want to know the end results when I commit to something. And I know that committing my heart and life to my Jesus will, in the end, be best way to Glorify Him. But even though my head knows it, my gut really doesn't like it.
So... me in five years? Well, I'll be 25. Hopefully, I'll have graduated from college. Maybe twice (master's degree). But is that really what I want? Will I have my PE license? Will I have a significant other? Children? Will I be living in ATL? Latin America?
I used to be so sure. Dear Jesus, You told me to go! Genesis 12 was a lifesaver to me. Abram just went, because that's what God told him to do. But now, I'm not sure.
I know that part of my unsurety is the amazing friends I have found here. I am loved here like I have never been before. I am needed, accepted, and cherished. I am valued, respected, and laughed at and with. I am depended on as well as dependent on. I love what I am doing, but I love where I am more.
And it has effected everything. My whole future is now seen through the lens of Georgia Tech. My family here.
I have taken that huge first risk here, knowing that I was safe. I didn't doubt that I'd fall into loving arms. One giant Kelsey-hug and there is no more doubting. Here, shrouded under the prayer of my Tech family, I am safe.
I'm actually about to cry.
There is no true contentment like being accepted without reservation when you fear rejection above all. I have given up parts of me, and here I had them returned to me. My worst fears were proved groundless. My people-dependency was fulfilled.
Even now, as I write this, I'm sitting in the Tech library with two of my beloved brothers. They're completely oblivious to what I'm doing, and that's okay with me. They're doing their own thing (homework, I think ;) ). But we're all here together. And that's what matters.
I'm running out of words. Maybe I've hit my word limit. More likely, I've hit my emotional limit. This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I've needed it, but there is only so much I can take.
So, I think I'm done for the evening. Word limit reached. But it was a good way to spend them. My thoughts are more organized in my head. I'm not sure you'd know that, reading the chaos that was this blog. But thanks to those of you who finished it.
With love, my beloved family,
Loren
Getting started is always the hardest part. Just like so many things in life, the beginning really is the biggest stumbling block. I'm finding that to be a huge deal. I don't initiate, at least in friendship. I've had to learn to initiate conversation. For all that I'm an adrenaline junkie, I don't like to take risks in my personal life.
But once the starting is done, the continuing sometimes just rolls off the tongue. The greatest risk is the first one, because after that, you tend to have a direction. You know how you'll be received and you know what the reaction will be. But that first risk...
Okay, you're probably thinking ... "Make a point already, Loren!"
But I already told you, I don't have a point to make. Just like in the Matrix, that's the nice thing about growing up. Old men like me don't make points :).
I'm just telling you what's most burdening my heart right now. Because I'm dealing with quite a bit of emotional chaos, Spiritual awakening, and physical exhaustion. What do you do when your head and your heart drag you in different directions and sometimes can't even agree with themselves?
You rely wholeheartedly on Jesucristo.
Yet, that seems so hard. I don't know where I'm going. I used to "see myself in five years" very easily. I knew where I was going and how I'd get there. I knew what I wanted. I remember as a kid, planning for six kids and even having them named. (I was weird...)
Now, I feel like God is turning everything upside down. I don't have a plan, and it's killing me! I'm major type-A personality. I want to know the end results when I commit to something. And I know that committing my heart and life to my Jesus will, in the end, be best way to Glorify Him. But even though my head knows it, my gut really doesn't like it.
So... me in five years? Well, I'll be 25. Hopefully, I'll have graduated from college. Maybe twice (master's degree). But is that really what I want? Will I have my PE license? Will I have a significant other? Children? Will I be living in ATL? Latin America?
I used to be so sure. Dear Jesus, You told me to go! Genesis 12 was a lifesaver to me. Abram just went, because that's what God told him to do. But now, I'm not sure.
I know that part of my unsurety is the amazing friends I have found here. I am loved here like I have never been before. I am needed, accepted, and cherished. I am valued, respected, and laughed at and with. I am depended on as well as dependent on. I love what I am doing, but I love where I am more.
And it has effected everything. My whole future is now seen through the lens of Georgia Tech. My family here.
I have taken that huge first risk here, knowing that I was safe. I didn't doubt that I'd fall into loving arms. One giant Kelsey-hug and there is no more doubting. Here, shrouded under the prayer of my Tech family, I am safe.
I'm actually about to cry.
There is no true contentment like being accepted without reservation when you fear rejection above all. I have given up parts of me, and here I had them returned to me. My worst fears were proved groundless. My people-dependency was fulfilled.
Even now, as I write this, I'm sitting in the Tech library with two of my beloved brothers. They're completely oblivious to what I'm doing, and that's okay with me. They're doing their own thing (homework, I think ;) ). But we're all here together. And that's what matters.
I'm running out of words. Maybe I've hit my word limit. More likely, I've hit my emotional limit. This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I've needed it, but there is only so much I can take.
So, I think I'm done for the evening. Word limit reached. But it was a good way to spend them. My thoughts are more organized in my head. I'm not sure you'd know that, reading the chaos that was this blog. But thanks to those of you who finished it.
With love, my beloved family,
Loren
This makes me smile, and I do love you a whole ton. NEVER forget it, friend. And I more than appreciate the love you show me. And remember-in Christ, all things are possible. Would you read Romans 7:22-8:17 and get back to me?(and the rest of chapter eight is pretty sweet as well)
ResponderBorrarI've read it. Let's talk :).
ResponderBorrarThank you.