Another Bout with Philippians

Well, its time for more thoughts from Philippians, since I can't seem to stop it from running through my head. I started quoting from it earlier without looking :). Memorization is coming ... slowly.
So, thought. Oh! And the link last time didn't seem to work. So the verses are at the end of the post for your reference throughout my monologue.

Let's dig in :).
Paul starts out with confidence. For I KNOW what will happen. That all this will turn out the way he expects and hopes. But see, its through prayer and the Spirit. I'm getting the impression that Paul thought this whole praying thing was pretty important.
Now, check out what it is he expects and hopes: that Christ be magnified in his body! That in nothing would be be ashamed of Christ. That he would be bold for Christ. Pretty self-less ideals, si?

Then comes another frequently-quoted verse. To live is Christ and to die is gain. It's quoted so often because its so powerful! To live IS Christ. It isn't living for Christ. Or even allowing Christ to live through you. To live IS Christ.
Since I'm a math geek... it goes like this:
     Life = Christ
NOT like this:
    Life > Christ
    Life < Christ
    Life ~ Christ
    | Life | = Christ
See what I mean?
Christ is all. Everything. Our positives and negatives. Our flaws and our strengths. It's all His. To live IS Christ.

And to die? Well, that's just pure gain. If living is Christ, then death is more than that! Like this:
     Death = Christ + constant fellowship with God + worshiping God forever + new, perfect bodies
What's not to love about that?! Yippee! I really can't wait. Not that I'm in a hurry to get there, and neither was Paul (see vs 25). But death stops being quite so scary when you think about it like that. Even when Paul is convinced that he will live, suffer, and preach boldly the name of Christ, death is still gain.

So then Paul points out how if this is true, then our conduct should be worthy of this. If our life = Christ, then what does that mean our life come out to be? They have to balance. Life - Christ now equals 0.
But Paul explains that too. Let your conduct be worthy of the Gospel of Christ. SO THAT: you stand fast in one spirit with one mind striving together for the faith of the Gospel and not scared in the tiniest bit by our enemies. He says that salvation is from God, and that is a slap in the face of the enemies.
Dude, yes! I'm so there!

And yet, the last two verses seem to me to be a deflation of the adrenaline rush Paul's just finished evoking. I'm pumped because living = Christ and death is only a plus...
And then Paul goes and says: wait, you'll believe and you'll suffer.
I find it interesting that he doesn't say you'll suffer because you believe. He just stated them both as facts. You believe. You suffer. See, this goes back to the whole Life = Christ thing. If that's true, the belief didn't really cause the suffering, as we so often think. The world hates us because it first hated Christ. In reality, they don't hate us. They hate Christ. But since Life = Christ ......
See the point? Don't stop believing because it's causing suffering. Don't even sigh a deep breath of frustration because you can't just stop believing because that would make you a horrible Christian but you're so sick and tired of all this crap.
Nope. Life = Christ. Remember that. It makes everything better and worse at the same time.

And at the end. Death = Christ +
That's always a comforting thought.

Keep the faith with joy, my brethren.
~Loren




Philippians 1:19-30
"¹⁹ For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, ²⁰ according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. ²¹ For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. ²² But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. ²³ For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. ²⁴ Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you. ²⁵ And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, ²⁶ that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again.²⁷ Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel, ²⁸ and not in any way terrified by your adversaries, which is to them a proof of perdition, but to you of salvation, and that from God. ²⁹ For to you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, ³⁰ having the same conflict which you saw in me and now hear is in me."

The Biggest Risk

Okay, I know I just posted. But it's now one in the morning and I'm being supportive. Plus, I really just have itchy fingers! So, if you continue to be interested, continue reading :). I really have no idea where this blog is going to go yet, so let's find out...

Getting started is always the hardest part. Just like so many things in life, the beginning really is the biggest stumbling block. I'm finding that to be a huge deal. I don't initiate, at least in friendship. I've had to learn to initiate conversation. For all that I'm an adrenaline junkie, I don't like to take risks in my personal life.
But once the starting is done, the continuing sometimes just rolls off the tongue. The greatest risk is the first one, because after that, you tend to have a direction. You know how you'll be received and you know what the reaction will be. But that first risk...

Okay, you're probably thinking ... "Make a point already, Loren!"
But I already told you, I don't have a point to make. Just like in the Matrix, that's the nice thing about growing up. Old men like me don't make points :).

I'm just telling you what's most burdening my heart right now. Because I'm dealing with quite a bit of emotional chaos, Spiritual awakening, and physical exhaustion. What do you do when your head and your heart drag you in different directions and sometimes can't even agree with themselves?
You rely wholeheartedly on Jesucristo.
Yet, that seems so hard. I don't know where I'm going. I used to "see myself in five years" very easily. I knew where I was going and how I'd get there. I knew what I wanted. I remember as a kid, planning for six kids and even having them named. (I was weird...)
Now, I feel like God is turning everything upside down. I don't have a plan, and it's killing me! I'm major type-A personality. I want to know the end results when I commit to something. And I know that committing my heart and life to my Jesus will, in the end, be best way to Glorify Him. But even though my head knows it, my gut really doesn't like it.

So... me in five years? Well, I'll be 25. Hopefully, I'll have graduated from college. Maybe twice (master's degree). But is that really what I want? Will I have my PE license? Will I have a significant other? Children? Will I be living in ATL? Latin America?
I used to be so sure. Dear Jesus, You told me to go! Genesis 12 was a lifesaver to me. Abram just went, because that's what God told him to do. But now, I'm not sure.

I know that part of my unsurety is the amazing friends I have found here. I am loved here like I have never been before. I am needed, accepted, and cherished. I am valued, respected, and laughed at and with. I am depended on as well as dependent on. I love what I am doing, but I love where I am more.
And it has effected everything. My whole future is now seen through the lens of Georgia Tech. My family here.
I have taken that huge first risk here, knowing that I was safe. I didn't doubt that I'd fall into loving arms. One giant Kelsey-hug and there is no more doubting. Here, shrouded under the prayer of my Tech family, I am safe.

I'm actually about to cry.

There is no true contentment like being accepted without reservation when you fear rejection above all. I have given up parts of me, and here I had them returned to me. My worst fears were proved groundless. My people-dependency was fulfilled.
Even now, as I write this, I'm sitting in the Tech library with two of my beloved brothers. They're completely oblivious to what I'm doing, and that's okay with me. They're doing their own thing (homework, I think ;) ). But we're all here together. And that's what matters.

I'm running out of words. Maybe I've hit my word limit. More likely, I've hit my emotional limit. This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I've needed it, but there is only so much I can take.
So, I think I'm done for the evening. Word limit reached. But it was a good way to spend them. My thoughts are more organized in my head. I'm not sure you'd know that, reading the chaos that was this blog. But thanks to those of you who finished it.

With love, my beloved family,
Loren

Wrestling with Philippians

Well howdy folks! Long time, not enough posting! I've been insanely busy, but that's not a good excuse...

Spring break was the week before last. Simply amazing, really. But that's another post. My thoughts today are a little deeper and more serious in nature, although hopefully still interesting and fun.



I've been wrestling with the book of Philippians, which has quickly become my most referenced book of the Bible. There's so much good stuff in there that I might just memorize the whole book. It's only four chapters, I could do it... I think. If you haven't read it recently, go do it now. The link's at the top of this post. Like I said, it's only four chapters. Not very long. You can do it in 10 minutes, I bet.

Okay, I hope you read. If not, that's okay too. Add it to your next quiet time.

Alright. So Paul starts off his letter in the normal fashion of the time. But then he gets straight into some of the stuff that's been weighing on me. Check out verses 3-8 of chapter 1.
Paul is ALWAYS praying for these people. If you check out his other letters (like 1 Corinthians and Ephesians and 1 Thessalonians) you'll find that this is a common thing for Paul to say. He's always praying for everybody! That struck me, especially after seeing it in so many different letters. I know that verse 3 is the one most often quoted, but really now?! I think we've lost some of the smack of this verse with how many times we've heard it.
Paul is giving thanks to God every time he thinks about these people. It's only been recently that I've realized quite how many people I have in my life to be thankful for. But I think it would take me all day to pray for them all individually. But Paul says he does. He even tells them what he's asking for them: that they would fellowship in the gospel and for their confidant growth. If you read verse 9-11, Paul gives more specifics of his prayer for them.
Dude, this is getting heavy! Not only is Paul thanking God for these guys (all the dang time!) he's doing it with JOY and he's also asking God very specifically for their growth.

Powerful prayer is something God's knocked me over the head with several times this semester. I think I've graduated from the 2x4, since my head got too hard. He's knocking me with a few 4x4s recently.
How many times do I pray for my friends "that their love may abound more and more in knowledge and discernment that you may approve the things that are excellent"? (verses, 9-10, by the way). I mean, I pray for them when their sick or stressed. I pray for good grades and helpful studying. But love through knowledge and discernment?

Not recently.


But maybe I should fix that. So, my prayer for you today is simply this:
Grow in love through knowledge and discernment that you may approve that which is excellent in your life. God will give strength. God will give direction. God will even take away stress. But, for the sake of His glory, grow in love. I pray thee, please, my Dearest Father, grow them in love.



With a heavy heart for you in joy,
Loren

UNSILENT

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
   you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
   LORD my God, I will praise you forever."
 Psalm 30:11-12

Thus, UNSILENT. Which is a new word I'm coining, just for your information.

What would it look like, to live an unsilent life for Jesus Christ? To never be afraid to praise His name among the nations? After all, He has turned our mourning into dancing!

I've been thinking a lot about how Jesucristo changed everything. The Foretold Messiah, come to save the world from their sins! Before Jesucristo, we were lost and dying. Broken. Arrogant. Devious. Wicked. Weeping. Mourning.
After Jesucristo, everything changed. We now have hope, salvation, life! How can that not be something worth dancing about!

So, this is my new resolution to myself. I'm going to live a life for Jesucristo. Unsilent.

Tech Weekends include Explosions

Yes, my friends. This last weekend at Tech included imploding a building. Dozens of mini explosions resulted in the whole building imploding and falling to the ground. Yes, it was epic. Yes, I saw it all. Very spiffy. See, they needed to demolish the building across the street from my apartment. So early Sunday morning, they imploded it. We went out and watched. Ben videoed it, which can be seen on my Facebook page.

Other than that, I had an exciting weekend. Friday afternoon I went running with Kelsey. She hasn't killed me yet. Although I haven't figured out if that's because she likes me too much or because Kaylyn threatened her with mob retribution if I died. O:) Our goal is to be able to run the Pi Mile at the end of March (sometime). We run the track for 30 minutes, or Kelsey does. This last time, I ran for two minutes, walked for one, alternating. So I ended up running for 20 minutes. A BIG improvement over my beginning of the week times. I'm very proud of myself and am glad that my endurance is going back up. I'd forgotten how much I really love a good workout, especially with friends.

That night, we had a D-Group party! I must say, Friday nights with all my friends just make my week. We had something like 20 people in Chris's apartment. The girls made dessert and showed up. We "prayed" all week for God to provide food. So just a little after we all got there, 7 or so of the guys come trooping in all in a line each carrying some pot of food to share. They made spaghetti, bread, salad, and various other yummy things. Darin even brought a movie to watch. Much fun.
After the movie, we played Mafia. I guess we forgot to grow out of that game :). Lots of fun, lynch mobbing, and assassination. Daniel got a new nick name and Jim was unanimously executed for the good of the town. One game, the two Mafia members even won! So we didn't get back until after 2 that night.

On Saturday, we had lunch with the Japan Society. Kelsey, Ben, Jim, and I went over and ate yummy Japanese food. Kelsey and Jim both speak Japanese. Me? I was just appreciating the yumminess and extremely glad I know how to use chopsticks. We played Bingo, and my team even won! Thank goodness Claire and Chris knew more about Japan than me, or it might have been much worse.
Later that day, Ben, Kelsey, and I went to the park. We threw the Frisbee and discovered that none of us are very good at it. Especially with the wind. So we got tired of chasing the little red disk and went for a walk around the park. It's a pretty park complete with a pond. Kelsey and I even got up into a tree! See my Facebook profile pic for some of the results :).
We came back to my apartment and made curry from scratch. I found a recipe and decided to try it out. Very yummy, although Ben and Kelsey had a few pointers for me. They're the curry experts. But overall, it was very good. I also made cinnamon rolls and banana rolls for the next day. But more about that when we get to Sunday.
After dinner, we watched The Matrix. Kelsey hadn't seen it, so that was fun. I really like that movie. Now we have to find a time to watch the 2nd and 3rd ones. We got to bed about 11:30, so not too bad.

On Sunday, we got up bright and early to watch things explode. See previous explanation. After the explosion, we came back to my apartment for breakfast. Kelsey, Ben, Jim, Nathan, and Airth. :) I love having people in my apartment. We had said cinnamon rolls and banana bread. Very yummy. Then we just hung out for a while until it was time to leave for church.
After church, Ben, Kelsey, and I went to lunch. More curry, although professionally made this time. Yummy. Although I'll trust Kelsey's curry judgment more than Ben's in the future :). Then ice cream! Yay for sweet melty-ness. Ben left and Kelsey and I tried to do homework. Then dance class, which is always a ton of fun. I learned a lot of new stuff. Ask me sometime and I'll show you :).
Sunday evening, I went home. Fallon's birthday!! She turned 17 and got a laptop. Needless to say, she was thrilled. So much so that words failed and screams of joy began. True freak out. Very epic. Her laptop is green, see her Facebook for pictures. She'd probably love to tell you all about it. She even has Microsoft 10, which is very cool.

Today was class. I went to lunch with Isa and Katelyn at CCF. That was very cool. They have a HUGE building and a lot of people compared to Crusade. But I always love getting to know more of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Family is important!
Now, I have to go do some homework before I-group starts at 5. I'm working out with Kelsey at 8:30 then going to prayer in the student center. So not a lot of time. I love how busy my life has become. All these lovely things happening and I'm in the middle of them, just being with my family. And how much I've really come to see them as that, a family. Not just my friends at school, but real companions that I can depend on and enjoy life with. People who love Jesus as much as I do and are willing to do whatever He says. People who will encourage me to do the same.

So, let's do life together. And that includes homework :).
~Loren

He said "Go"

After my second college graduation, I hope to move to Latin America to practice. I know you've heard me say this so many times, but I think I've almost been trying to reassure myself more than inform you. I think I've been questioning myself and my calling. I always do that.
Especially when others doubt me. When my friends say "Oh, that sounds dangerous." Or "Your parents will never let you do that." Or "You don't want to raise your kids in a different country." Reasonable doubt, to be sure. But I'm not sure reason has everything to do with the question.

My point here requires some background. So here goes. Genesis 12:1-4:
The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to teh land I will show you.
     "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you;
     I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.
     I will bless those you bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse;
     and all the peoples on earth will be blessed through you."
So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran.

Wow. So, here's my thoughts on this reasonable doubt.

When Abram was 75 (75!!! not 17, not 25... 75!!!), God called him to go. To leave everything he knew and go. Because of Abram's great faith (and we know he was seeking God at this point), God asked great things from him; but because of his great obediance, God gave great blessing.
God didn't tell Abram the specifics, He just said "Go." God didn't say where he'd end up, He just said "Go." God didn't tell Abram why or what he'd be doing when he got to this unknown place, He just said "Go." Abram didn't know if he'd be safe or if his wife or nephew would be safe, but God said "Go." Abram didn't know if he'd be fed, have a job, find a place to live, but God said "Go." Abram didn't know what his kids would experience or how they'd grow up or what this new as-yet unknown culture would teach them, but God said "Go." Abram didn't know if he'd ever be back or if he'd simply be traveling forever, but God said "Go."
If God says "Go," who am I to question? Who was Abram? Who am I to refuse such a call? Who am I to demand answers? Who am I to argue?
But God always provides. Yes, He does! Will I question? Yes. Will I doubt? Often. Will I wonder if God really knows what He's doing? Oh, yeah. Will I want to change the plan to help things move along? More than once. Will I worry about my family in this strange place? Of course. Will I miss my family and friends from home? Daily. Will I cry out in desperate fear of the unknown? I already have.
But God simply said "Go."
To His command, I may ask "Where next?" I may ask "Am I to go now?" I may even ask "Why?"
But the answer, as I already know: "Why? For My glory, of course. Go."

As my mother tells everyone who asks her "Why are you willing to let your baby girl move so far away?" Becasue God said so. And if God's chosen path for my life leads me down dark allies, then I may only lift His light higher and walk with confidance.
As God tells Job:
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-
while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? ...
Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,
that it might take the earth be the edges
and shake the wicked out of it? ...
Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? ...
Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!"
(parts of Job 39 & 40)

And I, like Job, can only reply:
"I am unworthy-how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
I spoke once, but I have no answer-
twice, but I will say no more. ...
I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
You said, 'Listen now, and i will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."
(Job 40:4-5; 42:2-6)

So, why am I going? The simple answer: Because God said so.

Best Weekend I've Had in a While

So, I'm now convinced. Tech weekends are worth sticking around for :). No, Mom, moving away from home wasn't as scary as I thought. Especially not with friends like these.

After school on Friday, I got a little nervous. Yes, I'm 20 years old, in my third year of college, and I still go home every weekend. But not this one.
We went dancing Friday night. I know you've heard me say this before, but I love dancing. Friday night was swing dancing. I have a new definition of the word "dizzy"... Dance with a guy that likes twirls, have him spin you 15 times ... in a row... then dance with Chris Becker. If I were sane, life wouldn't be so much fun.

On Saturday, I got up and did a little work. Then we went out for Chinese. 13 of us, to be exact. It was so much fun and reminded me of actually being in China again. Lots of conversation and opportunities for good natured teasing.
Saturday evening, another dance! Contra this time. Imagine swing and square dancing squashed together. A lot of fun because we got to change up dance partners so often and learn some new things and dance in new formations. We all agreed that it was pretty awesome.
After that, we went out to Waffle House. Yes, the dance ended at midnight. We're college kids in a big city... But let's just say that we were all kinda weird that late. Jason, Nathan, David, Jim, Kelsey and I sat together and ribbed each other. I've never really gotten to know Nathan or Jason much, so it was a new opportunity. I've been talking to David and Jim more, but still crazy fun. Then Kelsey... she's always a wild one.
So we didn't get back until two in the morning. :)

Sunday, I got up and cleaned my apartment some. Jim made breakfast, so Kelsey and I went over. Apparently, I was a bad Southerner cuz I didn't like grits. Jim changed my mind :). I also ate eggs in a way I never do. Quite the extraordinary breakfast for me.
We went to church. No, we didn't get lost, dispite Nathan's dire predictions. We even made it mostly on time. I enjoyed the church and the sermon was especially convicting.
Home for a little homework before dance class. I learned some super cool new moves! One of which I really like cuz it's pretty easy but looks really complicated. It also involves twirling, which I love. And, best of all, the guy gets to spin too. So it's not just a "here, do this crazy spin while I stand here awkwardly..." type move from his point of view.
Then back to the apartment for a few last minute clean (vaccuming...). Then people showed up for dinner and the Passion video. We had chilli, corn bread, and salad. Jim brought yummy bread and Devi made dessert. We listened to Francis Chan's message and discussed.
Apparently, next time we have to have a bread baking competition. And something about learning to braid hair. Of course, Nathan wants to add something more manly. Jim thinks baking is manly. Me? I'm all for a manliness competition and baking! Best of both worlds.

Now, I'm off to bed. Not much productive will come out of this tired body tonight. So I'll get up and make the morning productive.