The Vampire Me

So, I'm currently sitting in the student center waiting to give blood. If there are any typos in this post, it's because I'm doing this on my iPhone. I totally though this would be a quick thing, because I had planned to go shoppin afterwards. Grocery shopping for tomorrow's dinner party.
But alas, an hour later and I'm still waiting. Well, it's for a good cause and next time I'll know to make an appointment. Good thing i don't have class this afternoon.
Of course, as I told mom, I am treating this as a learning experience. I write about vampires, after all. So it seems like blood loss is something I should understand personally. In Archangel's Salvation, Tori is currently passed out in Gabriel's arms due to massive blood loss from a bad vamp feeding on her. I'm not ready to go quite that far (and I don't think the Red Cross people would take that much even if I asked). But I will smile inwardly as I donate and think of Tori, Gabriel, Shadow, and all my other imaginary vampire friends.

So, apart from my vampire fantasies, not much else is happening around here. My homework is caught up and I have a Crossroads meeting tonight. If I ever genout of here, I plan to work on more stuff due next week so that I don't have too much to do over the weekend while I'm supposed to be Gavin fun. I mean, two swing dances! Who wants to be doing homework?
Well, that's all she wrote...

The Sound of Silence

"In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence."
~The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

Okay, so this song doesn't really have much to do with right now, other than the silence part. But its in my head, so I'm quoting it.

Of course, being me, I do find it quite interesting that the neon light touched the sound of silence. Light is perceived with the sense of sight. Silence is perceived with the sense of sound. They can't really touch. But it is interesting imagery, and gives a vivid mental picture. At least, it does for me.

In other news, I've finally sort of caught up with my homework. I'm done with what's due tomorrow. I have some Dynamics due Friday, and a project rough draft to work on. So I've still got more to do. Plus, its almost time to sign up for classes for next semester, so I needs must get a handle on that. Strangely, all my classes are at the SAME TIME! Very frustrating because I'm not Hermione, and I can't be in two places at once.

Tomorrow is Thursday, which is a day I like. Probably mostly because of Crossroads and those amazing people. Then Friday and the weekend, including two dances and time with a ton of superduper people. And spagetti. Mustn't forget the spagetti. With Devi's brownies. Oh, so very excited.

Now I'm sitting, watching Tequila laze around his tank and staring at the computer screen. I need to work, but I'm so tired of doing homework. I want to pull out my story and edit, open a book and read, go into the kitchen and eat, but I can't.

Maybe some hot tea will cut the not-really-hungry-yet-starving sensation. Perhaps I will try :).

A refuge in Crazyland

Yes, Crazyland sounds good right about now.

Why? Oh, it might have something to do with the four homework assignments I have due this week, the two projects to work on, a dinner to plan, two dances to go to, and all the classes still to make. I'm not complaining about most of it, but it does make for a little bit of a hectic schedule.

Of course, I'm not sure what I'd do with a less hectic schedule. Might this say something about my life? I go crazy with a hectic schedule, but without one I'd go stark raving mad from boredom. Do we ever learn to be content with what's in our life, or are we always trying to add to it, complain about what's already in it, and take away from it?

Maybe, when I'm old and gray, I'll know the answer. Maybe I'll have lived to see so many hectic days that I'll realize why we put ourselves through this madness. Maybe.

But until then, I take pleasure where I can find it, sleep at night when I must, and try to make the best of it. I look forward to the future and know that in the distant "someday," all my toils will mean something to someone. When I've graduated, worked, and become a stable person, I might even look back on the variety of my Tech days with longing.

Won't that be weird?

But I think I've hit on something here, and its something I've been thinking about recently. I mean, someday I'll be a stable person with a job, a house, bills to pay and maybe even a family to adore. My life will be confined, set into its nitch, nevermore to move. I mean, there will be changes, but most of them will be the slow evolution of years that creep along to change my circumstances so gradually I won't even notice.

For now, though, my life is a constant change. New classes each semester, new homework every week. New friends, new places, new challenges. Everything is new and different and you never know if tomorrow, it will all be the same or if it will be even more different yet. So many life changing decisions happen in the blink of an eye. We try to plan our future in four years, try to cram as much knowlege in our heads as possible.

And I wonder if sometimes we miss the joy of life because of the craziness. I mean, the rest of my career could be the better part of forty years. And yet, I want to plan it in four? The rest of my life could be the better part of fifty-five years, and I want to know how it will turn out right now?

Of course, this talk of worrying about the future inevitably leads to Jesus' discussion about the sparrow. How we should not worry about tomorrow, for day's cares are burden enough. For if God cares enough about the sparrow to feed it every day, how much more does He not care about us?

Saying it like that, it sounds so simple. I throw my hands up, step back, take a deep breath, and realize that God's got it. Like that song my sister sings.
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
Sayin aye-oh
Gotta let go.

How very true. But we never do. We never just let go, because we MUST decide the rest of our lives RIGHT NOW! Isn't that was college is about? Maybe so, but not really.

Of course, the polluted version of the song goes:
I throw my homework in the air sometimes
Saying aye-oh
I'll take a zero.

And that doesn't really work either. I'm not sure I believe the old adage about "God helps those who help themselves," but its partially true. We're not to be lazy creatures just trusting that "God will provide." Well, yes, He will. But He's so not into the lazybum. After all, one of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

So we walk the proverbial knife's edge. Too much worry is a bad thing, but too much laziness is as well. How to balance between the two is a fine line we walk every day. How grateful I am that the Lord of Heaven and Earth is here to guide me! How thankful I am that the Helper has come to me, to be with me and guide me.

And I had no idea that this was what would come flowing out of me when I sat down to blog a little. Praise to the Giver of Great Gifts! And thank you Jesus for my talent. For this small haven from stress, if only for a little while.  Isn't our God so good?

I'm off to work on those many homework assignments. I'll be back later. I'd love to hear what you think about some of this.

Life Lessons from Marial Arts

So, I think I'm too philisophical for my own good sometimes.  See, I've been doing way too many metaphors in my head using my martial arts training.

First, my instructor in Taido was talking about open and closed stances. He didn't really get why they're called that. An open stance is when your chests are facing the same way. A closed stance is when your chests are facing opposite ways. To me, it's simple. I see them like doors, open and closed.

But I got to thinking. An open stance is a power stance. You use it to really wail on someone. A closed stance is a defensive stance used to set up something to do later, usually from an open stance.

So here's the life lesson part. How often are we in open stances in life? Do we go up to people, put our best foot forward and just go for it. When we're listening to people we like, we tend to have our chests facing the same directions. I mean, we lean against the wall and face the same direction. We sit together, facing the same direction. We're friendly.

On the other hand, in a closed stance, we're defensive. We're shut away from the person we're interacting with. We're there in body, but not spirit. The person really gets a feeling of tension and defensiveness. Our interation is limited by our body's posture.

Just like in martial arts, an open stance in relationships is powerful. In martial arts, you can use your whole body on the attack, swinging your hips and really getting power into your blows.  In life, you can really knock the socks off someone just because they felt like you really cared about what they had to say. It works, but don't trust me. Try it.

But when we go into a closed stance, we lose the power. We're all defensive, and no fight was ever won by retreating. The best defense is a good offense. You know all the sayings. But have you ever thought about how your body posture conveys your enthusiasm for the subject at hand? Are you, with your body, telling the other person that you don't really want to be here and are only here until you can escape?

In martial arts, there's a time and a place for closed stances. But in life, why are we closing off the very people that might someday be the biggest blessings we've ever gotten? Do you think Jesus stood apart from people, or did he approach. Well, just read the Bible and that question's answered. But I'm thinking that the simple stuff can sometimes have a huge effect.

So, here's the question of the day...
Are you approaching life in an open or closed stance?

Reasonable Doubt Leaves Heartfelt Chaos

Yes, it sounds like a newspaper title, if exaggerated. But exaggerated is precicely the mood I'm in right now, sadly. I've been thinking a lot lately, and can't seem to figure myself out.

Maybe its an emotional breakdown due to the huge stress relief of fall break. I tend to get those. Stress is over and now I can unbend, unclench, and just let go. Then everything comes pouring out of me in waves. The week after Finals Week, I'm practically useless because of it.

But anyway, the whole reason for this post is an emotional dump to see if I can temporarily get this off my chest so I can focus on my differential equations homework that's due tomorrow, along with my test. So some serious studying is in order this afternoon/evening.

So lately, I've been working through summer plans. Having never applied for a job before, I don't think I realized what an arduous process it was. My first job was a true gift from God and kind of fell screaming into my lap with a huge sign saying "THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!" I thank God for it every time I think of how that whole thing started.

Although I loved my first job and honestly believe it was where I needed to be at the time, I'm left with a complete void of knowedge about the job search environment. Plus, I'm now looking for an internship, not just a summer job. Yes, there is a difference. When looking for a summer job, there's a sense of desperation. An "I just need a job, pretty please!" quality that an internship can't have. Internships are professional, career-driven opportunities that can teach you quality life lessons about what you'll potentially be doing for the rest of your life.

In other words, there's a lot more stress with an internship. Or so I have come to believe. If you've had a non-stress-filled internship-finding experience, I'd love to hear it. Hope springs eternal, or so I've heard.

What's more, I'm finding that civil engineering internships are insanely difficult to find. Maybe its across the board on internships; but since I haven't looked for any other kind, I wouldn't know. I do know that I found a total of like ... 5. And half of those really preferred to hire in the spring. I can't be halfway across the country this spring, even if I wanted to be and worked my schooling out to let me.

Of course, all this has left me with a reasonable doubt. I ask myself, did I chose the right major? Am I doing what God wants? Is this His way of telling me that I'm doing this all wrong? Did I misinterpret God's plan for my life? Did I miss a major part of His plan?

Or is He testing my determination to follow His calling? Does He just want to know how far I'm willing to go in His name? Is this an opportunity for me to show the world who He really is? Is this a way of growing my trust that He can do anything?

I know that if I'm right about His plan for me, He'll make it all happen just the way He wants. I know that my plans aren't always His plans. I know that sometimes, miracles happen at the last moment and only if we really believe that He's faithful. I know that.

But oh, how I doubt. Not doubt God, not really. I doubt my understanding of Him. I doubt my choices are the ones He wanted. I doubt that I'm really ready for the challenges He's given me. I doubt that I'll be the person He wantes me to be. I doubt that I can really show others just how amazing He really is.

And all the doubting leaves chaos writhing in my broken heart. When I sit down to look through the internship or other summer opportunities again, I wonder just how I'm going to weather the storm facing me. I wonder if I'm strong enough to lay everything down at the foot of the cross, watch the sparrows, and realize that I'm not in control anyway. Realize that I never actually was. And then honestly believe that it doesn't leave me helpless, but rather more powerful than ever.

Knowing with my head and honestly, deeply, and throughly believing in my heart sure are two different things. Knowing with my head is easy, if not completely logical. I can see the past, read His word, and know that He is faithful. I can see it, remember it, and even talk myself into believing it.

Until I have to stake my sense of self on that belief. Until He wants my heart rather than my head. Until I stand in the middle of all my own seemlingly reasonable doubt and realize just how chaotic its left me. I'm a mess. And then I realize what I think He's been trying to tell me all along.

There's no such thing as Reasonable Doubt.

James 1:6-8, "But let him ask in faith, with NO DOUBTING, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will recieve anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

Gone Crazy...

But then, I'm kind of a regular visitor to the esteemed land of Crazy. You can see beautiful loss of sanity every time the sun goes down. Many interesting places to visit, such as the area of Exploded-by-too-much-Stress and the thick Forest of Strange Thoughts. I very much enjoy my visits to this exotic location, and hope that I'll see you around sometime!

In more realistic news, I have a huge final tonight!  Ahh!  It's for my CS class. I don't even like CS! But I remind myself (over and over, kind of like a mantra) that this is the last class I'll have to take. The last computer language to learn. The last test before freedom from the programming world.  Not that I don't see the usefulness, its just not for me. I'll tell you want it needs to do, someone else can make it work that way. It's called good delagation, thank you very much.

Aside from that, I'd love your continued prayers for my summer plan!  Several good options have presented themselves to me, and I'm struggled to reconcile them. Some of them sound fun, some sound beneficial, some are expensive and some not. A wide range of options. But my two favorite are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One is practical, one is fun. Both have their pros and cons. But now, I have to figure out where I'm supposed to be even if its not where I want to be.

So, now, back to studying. Maybe more later. When my brain doesn't hurt so much.

Another Day, Another Adventure

Or so I wish.  Sometimes, life is a little boring. Take today for instance, there was class, there was homework, and there was not much else.

And I hate sentences that start with there was. Wow. Must be a brain's-off day.

Well, I did help Devi with physics. That was fun simply for the people factor. Physics + people = fun. Yes, I know this means I'm a geek. But I'm okay with that.

I've finished a lot of research on the diving trip for the summer.  I could go and spend like 8-10 weeks for $1150ish, plus housing. It's not a cheap trip, but I'm so excited about it. I'm not even sure I'm going yet and I'm excited. I'd learn all the day-to-day diving stuff, plus come out with my Divemaster's certification and four other specialties. That would leave me with Open, Advanced Open, 9 specialties, Resuce, and Divemaster certifications.

Mighty fine resume :). What's more, I'll learn all the tank stuff, boat stuff, diving leadership stuff. Plus spending three months in a Spanish speaking country talking to the locals. I'm sure my Spanish would be muy bueno after that! I'm thinking I could take my Spanish class next semester as a refresher course, then I'd be ready to go down there.

Sweet. So I just got interupted. I wrote that last almost an hour ago :).  Devi and Charlotte made dinner and dessert. Charlotte makes yummy pizza and Devi made cookies from scratch. So I hung out with the roomies for a while.  It makes me smile.

Now, I'm waiting to leave for Crossroads tonight. Very fun!

So, today's a good day. I had a test, but it went well. Or I hope it went well!  Other than that, just business as usual as far as classes go.

I've been doing some research for my future (doesn't that sound ominious?!). I've come to several conclusions and have a ton of ideas. I scheduled out the rest of my schooling and figured out what I need to take and when I need to take it so I can graduate. I also found some options for summer work and stuff. Very interesting.

I found the MIT graduate program for CE's. Its a 9 month, work based program and sounds awesome. So that's my goal, for now. To make it into that program and then graduate with a Masters from MIT. Sweet!

After that, I looked into work options for this summer. I so want to work as a dive master! I found some sweet internships to do that in Roatan, Honduras. We'll see. I need to also keep my eyes open for engineering related internships. Either would look good on a transcript, I think!

Well, more school now. I'll get back to you later!